With May quickly upon us, it’s time to take another extreme self-care step. Do you control freak much? If so, this one might be the hardest month for you to follow. This is the month that we need to learn how to take our hands off the wheel. And it’s so hard to do.
I know. I lived it.
Ok. It’s a work in progress
Control Freak?
Are you the person who complains that you have too much on your plate…but also find it hard to give something up? You know, because no one else will do it right? Do you…
- Ask someone else to take care of the dishes and then restack the dishes behind their back?
- Ask someone to clean the bathroom or dust and then redo their work?
- Find it hard to give up a mundane task at work because no one will do it as well as you would?
- Not give someone a mundane task because it would be quicker to do it yourself than to show someone else how to do it?
- Do you always complain about how busy you are, but never give up one of the items on your to-do list?
Look in the mirror. You are a control freak. And if you think that’s a good thing, then you’re wrong.
Being a control freak puts unnecessary stress on your body because you always feel pressed for time, you have a hard time relaxing or sleeping because you’re always worried about what needs to be done, and even pass up intimate time with your partner because you have other things to do? Are you the person who is working while at a family event or worse, do you miss out on a child’s recital or sporting event because you’re running errands or worse physically present, but mentally elsewhere?
Not only are we causing stress on ourselves, but we’re putting our most important relationships in danger by not trusting them with projects and by not being with them – not just physically but mentally and emotionally, too.
How We Can Break the Pattern
It’s important to remember that teaching other people, whether children or employees how to do things, not only empowers them but takes some of the burden off your shoulders.
Involving a partner in budgets, bill paying and family vacation planning is important. Not only does your partner get on the same page, but they’ll be able to handle things if you get seriously ill or die. Think about that. If you’re always in control of everything without sharing, how does someone else figure out what to do when you’re gone?
In The Art of Extreme Self-Care, Cheryl Richardson shares how to recognize signs that you need support: Are you chronically complaining about your burdens? Do you feel like the weight of the world is on your shoulders? Do you sometimes cry unexpectedly? Are you so tired that sometimes doing a simple task feels overwhelming?
It’s time to learn how to ask for help. Cheryl would leave a list out for her husband of things he could do to support her. Things, she was going to let go of and let him complete. Because she was a morning person and he was a night owl, he would work on the list after she’d gone to bed. By the time she got up in the morning, things were completed and she didn’t have to worry about them anymore.
In your calendar this month, we’ll start by creating a list of tasks both at home and at work that you are willing to “let go of” and allow someone else to complete. Things that you don’t really need to do yourself, but usually do as a way to to get it done quicker or “your way.”
Next you’ll identify someone to take over a couple of these things, but you won’t just assign the tasks. You will ask for help. You will tell them how to do it and you will also provide them guidance such as what should they do if they can’t meet the deadline, who should they reach out to for extra help, etc.
You’re goal is to ensure you set them up to succeed and not set them up for failure by not providing all the directions and guidance they need. Or by giving detail work to someone who isn’t really a detail person in order to “prove” to yourself that no one else can do the project as well as you can.
The best way to use the calendar is to read all of the items first. Find out where you might need to make plans in advance like making appointments. Anywhere that you are asked to read or watch something, click on the words to link to the item. Below is the calendar and here is a link to the May Calendar of Letting Go.
Yes, I am a control freak in many ways, but I also accept that some chores/tasks done by others is OK. I’ve learned that there are some things that I do better than others (because I have a high attention to detail and a high sense of responsibility) and so I’ve accepted that I need to keep those things on my plate. For me it became a balance – keeping things when I truly believed I do them significantly better and letting go of things and allow other’s standards to dictate the outcome.
Yes. I try to keep the things on my plate that matter the most to me. But at work, where I wanted people to grow, I would even give up those things that I knew I could do better and quicker because it was the only way for the next generation of leaders to emerge. Sometimes it didn’t work and I’d have to take back the project and help that person find a new role, but other times not only would it work out great, but they took the project to new levels that I hadn’t even thought of before.
I have control freak tendencies. I am getting better at it. I turned over the cleaning of the house to my husband and I no longer redo things or complain. I care less about a perfect house than I used to! I insist on doing the laundry though because I don’t want my clothes ruined! I choose my battles.
I gave up worrying about whether my clothes would be ruined and let my husband do the laundry. I used to do up to 5 loads a week as I separated out the delicates from the towels, etc. My husband just does two loads as he throws everything in together. I “let it go” because it frees up my time.
Hi Jennifer, I’m borderline I think but I just love the calendar and have downloaded it. We have just moved so I’m hoping that a new home will be a good opportunity to change a few habits as well. I find that I’m starting to worry less and let go of things that are just not important in the scheme of things and it is so liberating. I loved this post and will be sharing on social media. Have a great week and thanks for sharing at #MLSTL. Some great ideas on the calendar which I will be using. 🙂
I thinking moving helped me to “let go” of a lot of things. I think the physical act of letting go of possessions had an impact on my emotional side that wants to control everything. I am more laid back in my approach now than I ever was before.
Hi Jennifer, I tried to comment on your website but still get Invalid Security Token. I can’t see the post here that you shared on #MLSTL but will try to comment again. Thanks for linking up anyway and I enjoyed learning about Florida.
That’s so weird, Sue. I’m getting others coming thru to the post. I’m glad you tried!
I’m not sure why you’d have problems with one post, but not another. I wonder if I accidentally used the http site listing instead of the https listing. It’s the only thing that makes sense to me as to why you’d get a security certificate on one but not the other.
I’m a bit of a control freak. I used to be much more of one than I am now. Having children and working full-time cured me a little. There’s quite a few things I should be getting my adult sons (who still live at home) to do to lighten my load and also provide themselves with some life skills. Thank you for the reminder!
I think I was more of a control freak when my child was young because so much chaos comes with having children. I needed to have control somewhere. I’m much mellower now…but it helps that my son is in his 30’s and lives on his own now.
It’s funny that I don’t see it as being a ‘control freak” to know that I can do a job so much better than someone else. Since leaving my job and hearing about my replacement, I am even more aware of what a loss I am to my toxic boss (karma). Seeing someone do my job more slowly, less effectively, and still making mistakes makes my toes curl. I don’t have to make a list of things to delegate because I delegated the whole job and the nice thing is that the consequences aren’t mine to deal with. After watching the trainwreck of their new employee, If I was an employer I think I’d like to have a control freak or two on staff 🙂
Thanks for linking up with us at MLSTL and I’ve shared on my SM
I thought it was a co-worker that was toxic, not your boss. I’m surprised you stayed as long as you did! But just because someone starts off learning the job slower, it doesn’t necessarily mean that they’ll stay slow. It just takes some people a little longer to get there…but I understand how toe-curling it can be to watch them get there. Especially if we are the ones waiting for the results.
I would say that in some things related to work and family I thought I could ‘control’ things. I learned thanks to cancer that I can’t control much at all. I can control how I approach things and I can control how I react. It is quite freeing to realise this and I am glad I have. Great post. Denyse #mlstl
You are so right, Denyse. Controlling other things outside of us is just an illusion. But we can control how we react to what is happening to and around us.
Thanks for the calendar Jennifer, I’ll print it out and keep in touch with it! I don’t see myself as a control freak but I do like to be able to control my own feelings. #mlstl
Thanks for stopping by, Deb. I’m glad you like the calendar…even if you don’t really need it.
I love the title — but I don’t think I’m a control freak. I can, however, go into ‘control freak’ mode from time to time, mostly when I’m ignoring some other issue (like finances). When I face the REAL issues, I have no need to ‘control’ the unimportant things.
You are so right on that. Being a control freak can be about trying to “have control” of some aspect of your life.
I’m not a control freak and am pretty laid back but I live with one. It’s annoying when a guy starts rearranging the dishwasher because everything isn’t perfect or complains because he can’t find a lid to a pan. He’s also a spreadsheet kind of guy and I’m more go with the flow.
No, i am not a control freak……….had to give that up years ago when chronic illness made me rely on others to get things done.