I wish I could comfort you. I see you’re coming to my blog because you are searching for phrases like, “When your sister is dying,” and “Help with words for my dying sister.” You’re here because you saw that I wrote about my sister when she died. You’re here because you hope I can teach you what to say when your sister is dying.
And my answer is that I don’t know what you should say to your sister because that’s a personal thing. What I can do is tell you to be there for her. Let her be your guide. Talk about things you’ve always enjoyed together. Reminisce. Laugh together. Cry together.
But don’t make her feel guilty or remind her of the things she will miss. Talk to her about the present and the past. Not about a future that she won’t be in unless she prompts it. And if you don’t know what to say, don’t say anything at all. Just be there.
Elisabeth Kubler-RossI say to people who care for people who are dying if you really love that person and want to help them, be with them when their end comes close. Sit with them – you don’t even have to talk. You don’t have to do anything but really be there with them.
When my MIL took herself off of dialysis, she had 3 to 4 days to live. She surrounded herself with her entire family. Not just children and grandchildren, but sisters, nieces, nephews, etc. She surrounded herself with love and laughter over a collective shared history. I can’t tell you how to be with your sister because each experience is different depending on your relationship and your shared past. But I can tell you about my sister and me and maybe that will help you.
Joni
My sister’s name was Joanne, but we all called her Joni, sometimes Sis but mostly Joni. She was 15 when I was born, more second mother than a sister. She would take me everywhere, including on her dates, because she couldn’t bear to see me pouting in the door when she left. (Yes. I. Was. Spoiled.)
We connected on a lot of things, but the most constant thing in our lives was our love of books. We’d share them, we discuss them, we fight over who was reading a book first. She really loved books. You could tell by how she kept them. No dogeared pages, no broken spines–even paperbacks didn’t have broken spines. I don’t know how she accomplished that while reading the whole book.
But it was after reading a book that was most important for us. We discussed them, dissected them, talked about characters, and plotting, what worked, and what didn’t work, and we read beloved sentences to each other. We talked to each other two or three times a week on the phone, even after we just saw each other. Mostly I did this from the car, on my rides from work, and then I would sit in the driveway while we finished our conversations.
We sometimes did the same thing with TV shows too. Magnum PI and Twin Peaks, and Lonesome Dove all involved long discussions. Talking to her was something I loved to do. It’s this that I miss the most. Especially now that my commute is so long.
I’m pretty sure that she read me my first book, and I know for a fact that I read her last book to her. That is what I did when my sister was dying. I read from one of our beloved mystery series, the Death on Demand series by Carolyn Hart. While others might have read from the Bible or other spiritual texts, I read from something that connected us throughout our lives.
That is how I talked to my sister because she was in an induced coma due to the ventilator that was breathing for her. She couldn’t talk to me so I connected with her in a way that was uniquely personal to us.
Every night for almost a month, I would drive to the hospital after work and read to her. If her husband or other family members were already there, we would speak for a few minutes, and then they’d leave. Reading was such a big part of her life that her family got comfort in knowing I was doing this with her.
I finished the book on the night they decided to remove the breathing tube.
How It Helps
Being there for your sister and also for her family can help in so many ways. For my situation, first, the reading in itself was such a personal connection. But I also journaled and blogged, all of which helped me to process. And the nurses all assured me that she could hear what I was saying, so I like to think that reading to Joni helped to ease her mind.
During these difficult pandemic days, many people are not allowed to be with family or friends while they are dying. But you can call and talk to your loved one. In most cases, when they are nearing death, they are not able to respond, perhaps because they are on a ventilator or because they are in a coma. But you can still talk, tell them how much you love them. This article from Full Circle gives additional suggestions on what you can do to say good-by during Covid.
Your being able to be there for your sister will not only help you and ensure you don’t live with regret. It can help your sister feel comforted and loved. And it can also help the rest of her family. This was true in my case. Joni loved reading so much that knowing I was reading to her helped her family.
Think about it. How long has your sister’s spouse and/or children been sitting by her bedside? You might be the break they need to go home, shower, rest, or even take care of the bills or whatever else might be going on in their lives.
If you’re still not sure what to do or say when a close loved one is dying, then please review these Resources from The Center for Hospice Care. And to help you cope with your grief, I recommend this Grief Journal from A Healing Spirit. On Death and Dying and On Grief and Grieving, both by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, are also good resources.
**The picture used with this post is a view from one of Joni’s favorite places. Sitting on the porch at our SIL’s camp on Great Pond. Some of her ashes are buried to the left of the porch, so she will always be near the water she loved so much.**
Hugs, Jennifer. I’m sure people who are coming to your blog will benefit from this post. Finally, it’s all about presence, isn’t it?
Yes, it really is all about presence, Corinne. I appreciate your thoughts.
I hope your intended audience and all your followers receive as much from this as I just did. Yes, just being there is such a gift–not only for those in their last days but for those in any kind of trying time. Really well-put and lovely advice in this post. Thank you.
Thank you, Rebecca. You’re right, being there through any trying time is important as well.
Oh Jennifer this was so wrenchingly honest. I love the act of reading to your sister. My heart goes out to you all. #mlstl
I came to this post through #MLSTL. I have not experienced the sorrow of watching my sister die. My heart aches for you, but I also feel the love. What a beautiful way to spend those last days with her. She was lucky to have you for a sister, as I know from reading this post that you feel blessed to have had her. I lost my youngest brother, but it was so sudden, none of us had time to say anything. I did sit with my father and my grandmother in their final days, even being blessed to hold their hands as they passed. As you said, being present is the most important thing any of us can do in life and in death. Thank you Jennifer for sharing your deeply personal experience.
That was beautifully said Jennifer – and I think it applies to people facing major crises too – just be there for them, you don’t have to have exactly the right words or all the answers, just love and presence. I hope others who are dealing with this terrible time find their way to your post and the guidance you’ve so wisely given. x
Thanks for linking up with us at MLSTL and I’ve shared on my SM 🙂
How amazingly kind and helpful this post is. I think the sharing and the wonderful examples based on how you have lived through this are to help others. In the past week, I have watched on, via good old social media (instagram) how family and friends made the very most of the final days of a much loved woman. She herself orchestrated much of it and I think “her telling” others the how of living the most till you cannot has opened up a range of conversations people probably could not even envisage. This young women even brought her 45th birthday celebration forward and made some special memories for others via short holidays and life experiences. She died, as she had chosen, after a family get away where everyone was spoiled. Her funeral: a celebration of life, is happening this Monday, her ACTUAL 45th birthday. Whilst I never met her, just knew her via common interests on SM, she taught so many of us how to live.
Denyse #mlstl
Very thoughtful approach to letting go of someone you love while at the same time being there. I remember reading to my mother during her last days as she used to read aloud to us when we were little. Very comforting Jennifer. Sharing tomorrow for #MLSTL on FB and Twitter.
https://meinthemiddlewrites.com/2019/04/18/atozchallenge-april-world-holidays-letter-p/
This was a brave post. I’m a bit emotional. I lost my brother, cancer, he was 37. I was with him at the end… this was back in 2004! Reading your post about Joni brought that time for me back to my own musings. Crazy how some days we just need to revisit, morn, cry, and put all those feelings back up on a shelf to be revisited and felt a different day. ~kim.
Thank you. I wrote several posts about my sister while she was dying. Writing about what I was going through helped me to process it. And yes, I do sometimes go back and reread what I wrote. I cry for what I miss and for those plans we had that never happened. Mostly, I cry because I can’t talk to her anymore. Rereading them helps me to cry it out so I can move forward again.
How do you handle things during this time of Covid when you cannot go see or be with your dying loved one?
Thank you for asking this question. I’ve updated the post to include a part about Covid. Even if you can’t go see a person, there is a chance to talk on the phone–even if they are in a coma, someone can put the phone near them so you can speak to your loved one.
Thank you so very much
This was really unexpected to find such a compassionate personal story, about another woman with a dying sister. And that sister is/was fifteen years older than you…I’m in that exact same boat. Except I don’t have that close, talking every-day, knowing each other inside and out type of relationship with her, although of course I love her so much. I don’t know how much longer she has to live, but the days/weeks are numbered and I’m feeling paralyzed with this inability to reach out and really be there for her. Primarily, without a doubt, my concern is how this (not connecting with her during this time) is affecting her (although I’m not her only sibling, but that’s beside the point, I know). But looking at it from another angle, what does that say about me, this not being able to push through the awful and uncomfortable feelings and anxiety that I have about this situation? I know you can’t really answer that for me…I guess I’m just here to share and read about how others have been there to support their dying loved ones. Maybe I can somehow manage to break through whatever it is that’s holding me back from doing the same. Thank you for listening, and also to anybody out there reading this.