Sometimes we have a hard time saying no. I think this is especially true for baby boomer women. We’ve trained all of our lives on how to take care of others. We’re the one that others turn to, rely on, and always ask help from. And that’s great if we help occasionally, but not great when we’re putting others’ needs ahead of our own…which is what usually happens. But this month, we need to learn how to disappoint others by learning how to say no to overcommitment!
And this chapter in Cheryl Richardson’s book The Art of Extreme Self-Care is going to be a difficult one for us. It’s called Let Me Disappoint You. Now I know that’s not what I want to do for others. And I’m pretty sure that you don’t want to do it either. But why? Is it because we are afraid to disappoint others? Or is it because we’re afraid of what they might think about us or say about us?
Cheryl says that common reasons why we have trouble saying no include: feeling guilty and disappointing others when we do say no, not having the language to say no with grace, saying yes to avoid conflict, and wanting people to like us. Because, let’s be honest, once we start saying no people will be disappointed or even angry and we need to learn to be ok with that.
Guidelines on Saying No
Buy some time. Instead of saying yes, say “let me think about it.” You can also say, “Let me check with someone (spouse, parents, children, etc.) before I commit.” Here Cheryl recommends putting some time in between you and making a decision, which allows you to determine if you really want to assist and how it’s going to impact you.
Do a gut check. Now that you’ve got some time in which to make the decision, it’s time to look at its impact on your life. It gives you time to step away from worrying about the other person and gives you time to look at your own needs. You may decide that this is actually something you want to help with but you’ve learned how to take the time to look at how it will impact your life and your plans for yourself before saying yes.
Tell the truth directly and with grace. According to Cheryl, there are three steps to follow in order to turn someone down with grace. First, start by being honest about how you feel without overexplaining. For example, you can say, “I feel bad that I’m not able to help with X but I need to…” You can say you need to focus your time on a work project that has an upcoming deadline, or that you’re overcommitted and need to take a break.
Ask how you can support. This is something that you only do if you have to back out of a commitment that you’ve already made. You feel responsible for the person or the situation that you’re in. For example, telling a committee that you need to leave while they’re working on a major project or when you need to tell a friend that you need to back out of something that you’ve already committed to doing. You can offer to help them find a replacement, etc.
March Calendar of NO
We must learn how to break the pattern in order to better take care of ourselves. Use this link to print The March calendar of No. You might find it a little repetitive but it’s our opportunity to practice the art of saying no. It will include creating go to talk-tracks to use in certain situations as well as creating a list of those things you’ve missed out on because you were helping someone else. And we’ll include “me” time so you can actually do things for yourself rather than for someone else. (**Please note that I don’t have the power to determine on what exact day of the month someone will ask you to help them. This month, please use the calendar as a guideline for the day when someone does ask.)
Another resource that you might find helpful is Cheryl’s book Stand Up for Your Life which shows you how to make the choices that honor your needs and values.
Great reminders! So difficult, but so necessary. Lately, I’m finding that I’ve become stretched so thin with volunteer duties it’s eating into time for work–and me. Need to take the advice in this post. Thanks!
Rebecca, thanks for stopping by! I think there are some things that you could learn from this chapter in the book. Especially with all your volunteer activities.
Hi Jennifer, Saying ‘no’ doesn’t come easily to many of us and I think the first point is so valid – we don’t want to disappoint others. I struggle with this. I like the idea of ‘buying time’ rather than jumping in and saying ‘yes’ immediately. I just love your March Calendar to Say No and I’ve downloaded it. Some great tips in there, thanks! Have a great week. xx
I’m glad you like the calendar, Sue. I also need to learn how to use the “buy time” phrase. But first I need to learn to shut up because I’m usually volunteering before anyone is even asking.
Hi Jennifer I know what you mean about jumping in and volunteering! I think you and I need to take a deep breath sometimes before we sign up to help out 🙂 Thank you for sharing at #MLSTL and also again I think the calendar is a great idea. I’m using one for my #MakingMarchMeaningful.
Thanks for stopping by, Sue. I’m so glad you like the calendar.
I love this idea Jennifer especially the sentence: We must learn how to break the pattern in order to better take care of ourselves. I also enjoy the calendar as it gives us some direction to make changes. Thanks. Shared for #mlstl
Thanks for stopping by, Deb. I guess you won’t be practicing no when it comes to Granny time.
Saying no is very hard for a lot of folks. I am better at it now than I was when younger though. You give some good guidelines.
Hi Jennifer, I enjoyed your post. I learnt to say ‘no’ many years ago. I decided one day to stop doing things I didn’t want to, and so I just stopped saying ‘yes’ when I wanted to say ‘no’. I found it easy to do, although I do feel a bit selfish/guilty sometimes when saying ‘no’. I also believe that I don’t have to give a reason when I say ‘no’; ‘no’ should be enough and other people have to respect that it’s your choice. Hard to do, but sometimes you have to be hard to do the right thing for yourself. Visiting from MLSTL and pinned. 🙂
Thanks for stopping by, Cheryl. Being able to say no is so freeing. But some people struggle with it and might find having a solid reason for not assisting makes it easier for them to say no.
Yes, I agree, sometimes it’s easier to have a reason, it gives us the strength to say ‘no’. And, you’re right, it is freeing when you are able to say ‘no’ instead of ‘yes’. Saying ‘no’ doesn’t make us a bad person, it just means that we’re looking after ourselves. Let’s hope that more people learn this valuable skill, or at least find the courage to start using it a bit more – and I think that reading your post is a good start. 🙂
Thank you. I hope reading this post really does help.
I’m getting a lot better at saying No these days because I’ve felt the burnout of always saying Yes. I actually quit my job on Monday and when I left the next day my boss asked me to reconsider. I actually had the courage to say No I won’t because nothing has changed and I need to get my headspace back. It would have been easier to be flattered and to say Yes – then it would have just spiralled further down – No takes courage and the willingness to disappoint others – but it’s so worthwhile when you do it for the right reasons!
Thanks for linking up with us at MLSTL and I’ve shared on my SM 🙂
I love this. Yes, sometimes we need to quit our jobs or even “quit” where we live in order to find our peace of mind. Work can be toxic if you’re not working with the right people. And that doesn’t mean we all have to love each other it just means we can work and support each other together. Years ago I quit q place like that as well and I was so much happier seeing it in the rearview mirror.
These are excellent reminders. I agree that honesty is the best policy here. The good news is that “no” does get easier with practice! Thank you for sharing this.
It does get easier, but we need to get that first one out!
Hi, Jennifer – I just commented but am not sure if it went through. (Yes, sometimes the internet simply does not like me). If not received let me know and I will rewrite!
An excellent post! Something we all need to learn to do more often, myself included.
Me too! I’m going through the Art of Extreme Self Care in order to bring simplicity to my life and hoping I can do the same for others.
Oh my… what a timely post for me!
I recently picked up a copy of Cloud and Townsend’s, Boundaries, because I know I struggle with this issue. I will have to look into Richardson’s book as well.
I have an especially hard time setting boundaries around my writing time. I don’t honor the commitment to myself. By the end of the week, I’m frustrated with my lack of progress.
Pinning to #mlstl board for future reference and encouragement 🙂
I find myself inundated with family events and taxi services! March is the month I look out for my own priorities (or rather, make me the priority). I’ve decided that. Thanks.
Great timing! I’ve very recently had to tell someone “no.” Oh, the guilt! But, things are fine and I am happy that I protected what was important to my wants and needs.
That’s great that you were able to say no and feel good about it…after the initial guilt.
Goodness, this post hits the nail on the head! Saying “no” is so awkward at times! I appreciate the tips! I often buy time but I hate being put on the spot.
I like the idea of buying time because I do want to help my friends because they help me but sometimes I do it at the expense of my own needs. This way I can step back and really look at how their request fits into my life and what, if anything, takes a hit. If there’s little to no impact then I can willingly say yes. Twice in one week I drove back and forth from Connecticut to Virginia in order to drop off and pick up friends hiking the middle section of the Appalachian Trail. When I drive them down I was a smoker but the day I picked them back up I used the long drive (and a nicotine) patch as a way to quit smoking. So there are benefits to helping friends. ?
Such useful advice. Some people really struggle to say no but it can be so much kinder and better in the long run for everyone if people could follow these tips and say no in a constructive way.
So true, starting with being kinder to ourselves by reducing our stress.
Cheryl Richardson is someone I really look up to as I love her passion for self-care. Learning to say “no” is so freeing. Great post!
The hardest lesson for most of us as women is learning to have the courage to say no. I’m still learning.
You are so right. I’m still learning, but I like the “buy time” option because it allows me to step back and take a look at what I really want to do.