I’m the youngest of five with a span of twenty years between oldest and youngest. Â Never has that age difference been felt more than this past week.
I want to give you some background, my oldest sister is 74 and lives an hour away. Â The next sister is 68 and has COPD. Â My brother is 57 and another brother died two years ago when he was 57. Â Our mother is 96 years old. Â My brother takes care of the house, fixing things inside and out. Â He is also the liaison between my mother and the sister with COPD, who takes care of the bills. Â I help my mother physically including shopping, helping her in and out of the tub (she washes herself just fine, it’s the getting into and out of the tub part that is difficult) and other things around the house. Â Between us, we’ve managed to take care of everything with my mother. Â If you’re wondering, yes, my mother lives alone in the house that our father built for her when they married.
But in the span of just one week, I truly realized that this age difference with my siblings puts me in the path of taking care of most of it. Â What used to be five taking care of everything has slowly dwindled down to two. Â This past week, I spent 6 hours in the emergency room with my mother. Â My oldest sister is unable to move much because of debilitating hip pain and my other sister ended up in the hospital with pneumonia, which can be life threatening to anyone, but more so to someone with COPD. Â I’ve just been moving from the hospital to my mother’ house, to my home, to work and then back again. Â Somewhere in there, I’m pretty sure that I sleep.
I know that self care is so important when taking care of others, but some weeks, the self-care gets put on hold. Â I had a massage scheduled last Sunday, but had to cancel it to take my mother to the emergency room. Â Now, I’m afraid to schedule another one at this point, because I don’t want to put out the therapist by having to cancel last minute again. Â I will admit, it does help to have a wonderful husband supporting me. Â He sat with me in the hospital last week and at other times, when I’m at work, he checks in on my mother. Â I honestly don’t know what I would do without him.
Does anyone else find themselves in this type of situation where the aging of your parent has emphasized a large age gap between your siblings? Â My sister is old enough to be my mother and in fact has a daughter who is older than me. For most people my age, their parents are in their 70’s, perhaps early 80’s. Â I am not complaining. Â I know how lucky I am to still have my mother with me and with her mind still in tact, Â I would just like some ideas on how other people are making it work. Â Who out there finds themselves in a similar situation to mine? Â I would love to hear what’s going on with you and any suggestions that you may have.
I don’t have any advice, but I wanted to tell you that you are clearly a special person to have the capacity to give so much of yourself. I’m not sure I would be able to do all you do! The self care, however, is so important and I hope you find a way to incorporate it into your schedule.
Actually, I have one thing to share: I’ve been reading a lot lately about meditation as a way to relax and de-stress. I’m really not usually into that sort of thing, but I’ve been having some anxiety issues lately and downloaded a meditation app (you can also find sites online). There are guided meditations for different time periods (5 minutes, 10 minutes, 30 minutes) and I’ve tried a couple of them, and they have helped me relax a little. Maybe you could give something like that a try when you’re feeling overwhelmed, or get up a little bit earlier and have some quiet time before you start your day.
Good luck!
Thank you. You know, as a yoga teacher, you’d think I’d fall back on meditation….but I struggle with meditation sometimes, so I never think of it as a go to. I think I will bring it back again. Thanks for reminding me.
my mum is 73 and going great guns, although I understand what it’s like to be the “responsible child” because both my brothers are hopeless, so I know it’s all in my lap when things go downhill – I’m on mother-sitting duties when she has her knee replacement next month!
Thanks for stopping by to provide support. You’ll be surprised by how quickly your mother recovers from the knee replacement.
I’m not in your situation, but I do sympathize. It is hard, and it is a lot of responsibility. It is truly wonderful that your mother can still live alone and take care of herself so well. And that you and your siblings are so good to help. I hope your mother is doing better, and wish I had a constructive comment to answer your question. Hang in there! (Found you at #MidLifeLuv)
Thank you. Just having you stop by with some kind thoughts helps.
I wish I had some sage advice for you. I’ve been where you are, and sometimes self-care does take a backseat when more pressing matters pop up. Breathe. Take breaks for yourself whenever you can. Find the joy when/where you can. And know that this too shall pass — a thought that holds both sadness and the promise of relief.
Thank you. Remembering to just breath is important!
Can really understand how you must be feeling. It is hard coping with aging parents. My parents are 87 and 89. I have one older sister who is in her early 60s and in good health. Between us, we take care of everything to ensure they remain in their own home where they want to be. It is very demanding so I can’t imagine the demands there are on you in your situation.
I wish I had some useful comments to give you but I don’t because I struggle with many aspects of my own situation. All I can say is we need to keep going somehow because they need us. I just make sure I spend as much time as possible alone doing creative stuff. When I am pulled away from something because I am needed, I could get annoyed but I just think of the time ahead when the phone will not ring anymore and I go and do whatever they need with good grace. My husband is really supportive too and that is worth so much.