We blog, we tweet, we use Pinterest, Facebook, and Periscope and did I mention that we text too? Many of our social connections are online now instead of next door, but it’s important to be able to have conversations in person as well…..otherwise, how will we ever Skype or hold a webinar?
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The below 3 steps to connect with people are vital to having a conversation. (And in truth, it’s only two steps plus practicing.) Even if you blog because it’s easier to share yourself that way, at some point, if you ever decide to go to a blogging conference or a meet and greet, these tips will be useful. And these guidelines hold true whether you’re having a social or a work-related conversation.
Ask
Asking questions is the best way to get other people to talk. Having a conversation is not about you talking on and on about yourself–that’s a lecture. The goal is to learn more about the other person, so please don’t share something about yourself first while you’re asking the question. And make sure you ask a question that is open, not closed. You want to get a conversation started, not have people spit answers back at you. For instance, don’t say, “The name of my blog is ‘I Only Care About Me’ what’s the name of your blog?” Instead, try something that will bring out more information like, “What do you blog about?” Not sure what questions to ask? Just Google open-ended questions, you’ll be surprised by the types of questions you’ll be able to ask, questions that will sound natural.
Listen
Seems so simple and yet, most people don’t really listen to what the other person is saying. Instead, most people decide their response within the first 5 words and then just wait for an opening in the conversation to drop it in. Wrong. Stop doing that immediately, it’s rude. If you are doing that, then you’re not really listening to the other person and that’s a problem. Try this instead and it should work if you’re at home, or even at work. In a conversation with someone, stop what you’re doing and look at the other person. This means, stop doing the dishes or prepping food or reading email or texting or gaming. Once the other person is done talking, then frame up your response preferably, in the form of a question. Don’t start talking about yourself or offer an opinion or share your own experiences with the same problem, until you are asked. Wait for it.
Practice
You can’t be good at or get better at something unless you practice. And practicing is easier than you think. Just practice with your partner, siblings or parents—they don’t even have to know you’re practicing if you don’t want to tell them. All you have to do is ask a question, listen to what they are saying and then ask another question. At work you may already be practicing, or roleplaying, having a conversation with customers. Many people already know this skill, it’s naturally practiced with friends. But once you are in a social setting like a cocktail party or business networking meeting, the skill is forgotten. But that’s the time you need it the most, which is why practicing is so important, asking questions needs to be second nature.
There you have it, 3 steps to connecting with people through conversations. They may seem simple, but these skills are important, even in this digital world where texting is taking over phone conversations. So go out and have a conversation with someone, learn about them and expand your world.
Some resources to help with conversations:
Conversationally Speaking by Alan Garner**. Although this is an older book it gives a more in-depth discussion on open-ended questions and why closed questions are conversation killers along with chapters on listening and accepting constructive criticism.
BNI or Business Network International. If your business needs referrals of any kind, then this is the group to belong to. Not only will you make great connections with other businesses, but you’ll practice conversations as well as learn the art of selling your business in one minute or less.
It seems so simple, doesn’t it?
And yet, so few people really know how to do it and you’re right, no matter how much we use digital means to communicate these days, we still need to know how to connect with people.
Great reminders!
Particularly the practice…it is good for so much, right?
Great tips. Face-to-face conversation (much like real letter writing) is becoming a lost art and it’s so sad. Definitely sharing this!
Thank you for your post. It’s always good to remind people how to connect in person. It was great to connect with you.
Love how you put it so simply! Thanks for the reminder.
Great post! I have to admit that (if I know someone well) I have to work really hard at listening without interrupting…my brain is always going 100 miles an hour, and yes, I already have an answer or ten before people have finished talking. It’s a conscious effort on my part to try and listen properly without jumping in. Something I’ll always be working on I think. On the other hand, if I don’t know people well, I’m uncomfortable face-to-face…in those cases I have to work hard at listening, above the anxiety, and responding.
I think we all have to work at it sometimes. But I truly appreciate those that really listen to me, so I want to give that back to others.
This is great advice. I often catch myself in bad habits, and I’m trying to change them!
I really have to practice this! I do this all the time! I m not sharing unless I am asked, in my next adult conversation..lets see how long I last!
Great tips! I enjoy having face-to-face conversations on a daily basis. I never know how my husband, who works from home and communicates online, does it each week for 5 days in a row.
I’m sorry. What was that? I was busy watching TV while I was reading this. ? Not really! All true IMO. iPhones are replacing icontact! Listening is the greatest gift we can give. Especially to children, who REALLY appreciate and recognise when genuine listening takes place. Great reminder to us all here – I.Must.Not.Interuppt. (Or say, ‘I’m bored with this conversation, do you mind if I take a nap?). Seriously – everyone should read this.
Let me guess…you must be a teacher:)
I am a teacher, and I have to remind myself on a daily basis to really listen to my students…
I really enjoyed reading your comment.
Jennifer, your writing is so full of practical tips that we often take them for granted. I especially loved the introduction you started with. How true is that in this ‘social media explosion’ age, our ability to talk to people is becoming obsolete. Your body was so well-organized and so strongly supported with truth and facts. You are an amazing writer. I look forward to reading more of your blogs.
Thank you, Son I really appreciate that!
This is so true! I know many people that stop listening because they have already decided on their response. I may even be guilty of it from time to time!
I know I’ve been guilty of it at times, too.
Thank you for the tips. I like the idea of changing the way you ask a question… it makes such a difference!
I’m glad you liked them. Thanks for stopping by.